As I sit here and wonder what Ive done with my life a blank page comes to mind. Oh, Ive done plenty, but was there any good in that messy history of pain. Life wasnt always a sad story for me. I have plenty of good memories but lately, and by lately I mean that past couple years, they have been over run and stomped out by sad and painful ones. I really dont know when the sadness started to creep into my life. I guess it was my eighth grade year. It wasnt a real big event in my life and I guess that is why Im not really sure if that started the darkness. You see, at the beginning of that school year a kid in high school committed suicide. He was 2 years older than I was and I wasnt really close to him. Being from a small town though, you seem to know everybody in some way, shape or form. My sister knew him. I saw him all the time at the resort I was a babysitter at. I saw him in the halls of the high school on those rare occasions I had to walk those scary halls. Maybe it was the fact that I saw him only hours before he shot himself in the head. I said the usual hello and it was followed by the half smile he gave with every passing in the hallways we had. If only I would have known what was going on in his mind, his soul, maybe I could have helped him.

I remember the night that it happened. I was on the basketball team and that night was our first win all season. We werent the greatest team by all means and Im no Michael Jordan, but our win made me more than happy. I came home and walked in the door. I couldnt wait to tell my parents, the first game they missed and we won! The kitchen was dark, only the light from the next room illuminated it slightly. Now that I look back, it was sort of like the setting of a movie. My mom walked up to me slowly and told me the horrible news. My heart stopped at that moment in time and slow motion started. I remember my sister crying in her room and I said nothing. I never talked to anybody about it. I believe that was the start of the feeling I had to be strong for everybody else. I wanted to be strong for my sister and my neighbor. I wanted to be there for them and in all this sudden compassion I had, I just pushed my own feelings down farther and farther. Those feelings burned in my soul. The more I helped others, the more I seemed to forget the pain, if only for an instant. When I sat in my room all alone, that pain would start to creep out and I often found myself crying. Why am I crying? I didnt really know him. Yet I couldnt help but feel extreme sadness and emptiness with him being gone.

So I guess that is how it started. Before then I was always such a happy girl. My mother would always tell me when I was younger I didnt mind playing by myself. I would just sit there and sing some song I made up in my busy little head. After this incident, this moment in my life, it all changed. I found myself running from something that was biting at my heals day and night. The only way I knew how to deal with it was to pretend like everything was ok, that I was that same happy girl that loved life. It didnt work though. I was failing miserably. I guess I was pretty good at being fake though, even if it meant that my insides were being ripped to shreds.

I couldnt stand to be there, not where people knew me. My freshman year I decided to move schools. I was now attending West Michigan Christian High School. Now, I see this was the worst decision of my life. I started out high school with no friends. The thing I needed most, friends. I use to be surrounded by them. Now I was alone, alone with the sadness still eating at me. So this was my new life. Attending a school I thought would be helpful and spiritual. Instead it was the one school where the bad kids were sent when they had no other choice of schools. It would have to due though. I found my self excelling in math and English. The year seemed to be turning around. Then one of the best things happened. Could this be for real, was this really me? A football jock and popular guy was asking me out on a date. At that time, life couldnt get any better. The pain inside that I had been feeling since Jason died was gone. Totally gone. It seemed like God was stepping in my life and helping me out. Before I knew it we were dating. It didnt seem like life could get any better than this.

Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered what you were thinking at that moment of time? I guess that is a really silly question. I often wonder what life would be like if I would have never wimped out of public school and if I would have never accepted Seths offer to date me. What would my life be like right now? Would I have simply gotten over that sadness with time? I guess I could always have regrets in my life. One thing I always have to remember is the fact that, they are in the past, I cant change those decisions. I can only help other people who have been in the same situation or feel that same hurt deep down that Ive felt consuming my life.

If you didnt already realize, the wonderful moment in my life simply turned around on me and turned into my own pit of hell.

Hells Pit

The beginning of my freshman year was going great. I had a wonderful boyfriend who treated me like a queen. I was gaining friends but found myself spending most of my time with that wonderful guy. If only I would have known what lurked inside of his soul. I remember the day it started, the day hell opened up and threw me into the deepest pit of pain. I was sitting with Seth watching a movie like usual. It was a very typical evening, to be honest. We were making out, which for me, was very scandalous. I had to get home soon though. To interrupt this session was kind of upsetting. I guess it was for both of us. He got angry with me. I remember it very clearly. He was telling me how I dont make any effort for the relationship.

"I love you, Nicole, dont you see that, all I want is you!" He screamed at me.

All I could say was sorry. I was so scared. Why was he yelling at me? Was that really necessary? When I went to put my coat on to leave it didnt help the situation at all. All I wanted was to go home and think about all of this. He said he loved me, no he yelled he loved me. Not my dream of how those 3 words would be said for the first time. But he refused to take me home. This really made me upset. I had to be home. My mother would have a fit and I would be grounded. I tried to tell him and I dont even remember what I was saying when it happened. It plays in my head like a movie in slow motion. Funny how those life changing moments always happen in slow motion. Anyway, as I was tell him how I needed to get home I saw him raise his hand and then it happened. He slapped me! Pain rushed to my cheek and it started to feel tingly and sort of numb. As I held my face and stood there, I did the only thing I knew to do, I cried. It seemed like a lifetime past before he said anything or moved or did anything. We both just stood there. Motionless, in the quiet empty house.

He just hit me, did he really just do that? What am I going to do, what do I do?? I need to get out of here, I need to leave. I cant believe he hit me, how can he love me and hit me, isnt that wrong. Most relationships arent like this, are they? As these thoughts were going through my head, they all sort of jumbled together. Maybe it was from the blow I sustained to the side of my face. He finally whispered words into what I now realize was a very silent room.

"Oh my God, Nicole!" He quickly wrapped his arms around me and just held me as he himself started to cry. He repeated over and over how sorry he was and how it would never happen again. I believed him. Here he was sobbing on my shoulder, how could I not believe him. If only I knew that this would not be the last time I would hear those words. So, needless to say, I went home and straight to bed. I didnt sleep a wink and my face throbbed with pain. Id never been hit before. Maybe in sports but not a direct blow to my face.

How was I supposed to take this all in? He said he loved, and I wanted to believe that so badly that in my mind it came true. Seth really did love me. We just got in a fight. It was nobodys fault. Remember these were the thoughts that I was thinking, they arent true though. It was his fault and he shouldnt have hit me. I realize this now, I realize that at that moment I should have left him. I should have walked away that night to never see Seth again. Life is filled with so many If onlys. If only this, if only that. I think humans tend to regret so many things in life once they realize how stupid they were. Ive finally come to grips with the fact that I cant blame myself for what happened. I was young and all I wanted was love, and he made the pain of Jason go away. No one else could do that, so he must have been special. Right? The next day at school I talked to no one, I had make-up caked on my face to hide the marks of Seth. I soon moved on and dismissed that it had happened. Im sure you realize that it wasnt the last incident of Seths wrath. That wrath would last longer than anyone could have imagined. So that was the day that My own hell flared up in the depths of my soul.

His Wrath

One hit became many. I found myself always fighting with Seth and him always being mad at me. I was so scared. The pain he caused was not just a slap here and there anymore. I would have never imagined the things he did to me. On one occasion I can remember the pain really being bad. He saw me talk to one of my old friends from the public school. Just so happens that he was a guy. In my eyes it was so innocent. Andy was a nice guy, never meant any harm. He just wanted to know how I was doing. Seth by all means wasnt to happy with this. As we were driving back into Muskegon where I had volleyball practice I knew. He hadnt spoke a word since we left the church, so I knew that he was upset at me. I just knew it was coming. The fear the was in me was almost unbearable. I never knew when he was going to flip out anymore. No more did I have the pain of Jason, but now my life was only filled with fear, constant fear of what would happen next. The pain inside of me now was more than physical, my soul ached so badly and hatred came from it. The obvious person to aim that hate at would be Seth, the person causing all this pain. But as I have mentioned earlier, my thought process was a little more than just screwed up. I now hated myself.

"How could I have been so dumb, I should have known that this would upset him. If only I was smarter, I just want to be good enough for him and he is only trying to help me. Im the one that forcing such drastic measures. He is just trying to help me become a better person, a better girlfriend. He loves me, he would never do wrong to me if he didnt think if were necessary for me to grow."

Yes I really did think this way, isnt that sad. I thought that he was doing this out of love. Anyway back to the memory. He pulled down an old dirt road, I knew it was coming. I just closed my eyes and hoped that it would be over soon.

"Ive learned my lesson, really I have." I whispered. He still said nothing. Instead he pulled the car over. He sat there and stared forward for a second, almost contemplating what he should do to teach me this time. He then got out of the car and walked over to my door. My heart was racing so fast that I couldnt hear anything but the pounded. I just closed my eyes to pray.

"Please, Lord, if you really are there, please numb the pain and make the time pass quickly. Please Lord!" I repeated that over and over as my soul wept. It was quickly interrupted by my car door opening. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the car with one jolt. I just looked toward the ground because if I looked him in the eye I knew it would only make the pain worse. He would think Im trying to stop him and I just wanted this lesson of mine to be over with. He slapped me to the ground and I thought he would wait to let me stand up like he usually did. So it was quite a shock to me when I felt the full force of his foot into my rib cage. The wind was knocked out of me and I couldnt breathe, I was just fighting for breath. "Ill be fine as long as I can breathe, I can take the pain..I can take it without crying, like a lesson Ive already been taught. Be tough and dont cry" He didnt let me catch my breath, he just kicked me again and again. I didnt want to move, the pain was so bad that trying to catch my breath was like someone was ripping out my side. He laid me on my back and straddled me. I was still grasping for air. A small part of me wished the he would just kill me and get it over with. I wanted the pain to end. Leaving him would be more pain then I could bare. He pulled my hair back harshly which at the time was nothing compared to the extreme pain in my side and face. I just closed my eyes and prayed the my lesson was over with. The effort to hold back the tears was almost to much, but I held them back, if it was all I could do was hold back those tears, I would! He looked me in the eyes. I will never forget those eyes. If you look directly into someones eyes in a moment of pure emotion, you can see into their soul. You can see who they really are. Those eyes I will never forget. I was seeing those eyes now a couple times a week. Those eyes haunted my dreams. Wherever I was, they were there burning into me like Satan himself was slowly burning me from the inside out.

"Nicole, dont ever forget that you are mine. I love you and I refuse to loose you. Why do you do this to yourself, why cant you just learn. You are lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend, so willing to teach you how to be someones girlfriend. Now I guess you wont be going to practice tonight." With that note he got up and sat on the hood of his car and smoked a cigarette. I layed there in the snow still trying to catch my breath. The pain was horrible, I didnt want to move, I didnt want to get up and what excuse would I tell my parents this time. This could hardly be kept a secret. I slipped on the ice, that would have to do. When he was finished, he came over and helped me up and kissed me.

"You know I hate to do this to you, I hope that you learned your lesson because I dont want to have to do that again." He helped me into the car. I just stared out my window. Every breath I took was unbearable but I had to be strong. It took me quite a while to heal from that injury. In fact, I had to quit the Varsity Volleyball team because of it. My coach was asking to many questions and I was into much pain most of the practices. It broke my heart to give up the one thing left in my life that I loved to do.

Now Im sure that you are wondering why I let him do this to me. I loved him so much and I just knew that he loved me to. I couldnt leave him. Not after his past pain, I didnt want to cause him more pain. I would be such a horrible and selfish person if I did such a thing. So I kept up the act of happiness. When really I felt so empty inside. I hated myself, I was fat and ugly to add to it. Seth would tell me all the time that I needed to go on a diet. Now if you saw pictures of me that year, I weighed hardly anything. This was the start of my eating disorder. I call it that now at least. I would eat hardly anything, only what I had to eat. But I was never pretty enough for Seth. I wanted to be smarter because Seth always told me how stupid I was. I took everything he told me to heart. Nothing made me happy anymore. All I wanted was to be good enough for him. I knew nobody else would want such a mess of a person. At least he wanted me and he loved me. Yes, that was it, he loved me. My whole life all Ive ever wanted, was to be loved. Someone to truly love me. The attacks to my body, my mind and my soul were getting to me though and I was slipping more and more into an almost inescapable depression.

Getting Away With It

Now I get a lot of questions from people about how I got away with it. Believe me it was no easy task. My life was filled with lies, and lots of make-up. I find it quite ironic how I got the election of Class Klutz my senior year of high school when I rarely every caused myself injury. Most injuries people remember me having were caused by Seth. I told my mother that I slipped and fell or had a rough day in practice. People just thought I had really weak bones and bruised easily. My happy attitude made any doubts in peoples minds go away. How could he being doing anything to her if she is so happy. The life of a mask. I wore it all the time. At home, at school, in his presence. Always. It was hard at first but very soon it became second nature. I learned how to take the pain and just live with it. To make it work with my everyday schedule.

I also learned the power of pills. I learned that taking pills made the pain go away. I learned that it numbs my soul and helps me get through everyday. I started to take these pills just when I needed them. But just once in a while turned into all the time because the pain was all the time. I wasnt sleeping at night. This was the start of my nightmares. They got so bad sometimes that I would try to stay awake all night long. I would dream that Seth was running after me, or hitting me and holding a gun to my head. They all seemed so real. I woke up at the sight of his eyes in my dream. I would wake up to a dark and empty room. I then realized I was alone. I felt so alone. How could I feel so alone when I have a boyfriend who loves me? It was so hard for me to stay awake during school. I found myself sleeping in class and talking in my sleep. I would wake up to people laughing at me and the embarrassment was harsh. So Seth introduced me to something he did when he needed to stay awake. He would snort this little blue pill that he was given for his ADD. So I started snorting this little blue pill in the mornings that was pretty much a low dose of speed. That with the pain killer made my life crazy. I started doing poorly in school and I just couldnt get a grip on life anymore. It was one blur after another. One hit after another. I was almost use to seeing him raise his hand and seeing his foot kicking into me. I felt nothing the night he tried to strangle me. His hands were wrapped around my neck and I couldnt breathe. I wasnt scared though. I felt nothing at all actually. This was the first time in my life that I hated myself so badly I actually wanted to end it.

I wrote a goodbye letter to my parents and my sister. I wrote a letter to Seth telling him that this wasnt his fault, it was mine because I could never be good enough. I was sorry for causing him so much pain and trouble. I sat in my room with one of my dads guns in my hand. It seemed like forever. I finally held the gun up to my head when guess who walks in. Seth walked in right before I pulled the trigger. I guess I really do have him to thank for saving my life. In the same aspect its kind of ironic because he saved my life but he was the one putting it in so much pain. I got a lesson for that one too. I still dont know how I got away with it, to be honest. My parents never questioned it and friends certainly didnt ask questions. They felt it was none of there business. When really I was crying inside for them to realize I needed their help, it was their business and no one realized my life depended on their help. Ive always been good at faking happiness. Ever since Jasons death. Life was nothing but a big lie and I was trying so hard to hide my little secrets, my demons from everyone else.

Finally, someone noticed. Mar, which was his nickname, was a pretty good friend of mine. He knew what was going on. He never talked to me about it, I think he knew I was embarrassed. One day he walked in on Seth hurting me and he would have nothing of it. He came in and he was my savior! But he ended up getting hurt more than he did any harm to Seth. Ive always felt guilt for his pain, I would much rather be hurt myself than have someone else go through pain because of me. Mar went into a big depression because he felt like a failure. He couldnt even look at me anymore without crying. I could tell it really broke his heart. He ended up moving to his dads in February of my freshman year. It was one of the saddest days of my life. It was the last day I was every to see him again and I knew it was all my fault. Mar killed himself September 9 of the following fall. I will never let myself live down the fact that I had something to due with the depression and I was the one who started it all.

Ever since Mar moved away, I made a vow that I would never ask anyone to step in and help me. I would never share this with anyone. I would hide it and never allow anyone to get hurt again. I killed the one person who noticed and tried to help.

The Day I died

I consider February 16^th of 1999 the day that I died. I never fought Seth until this day, I knew that in fighting him, I would only cause myself more pain. This was a day that all was taken from me. I was with Seth and we were alone. We were snuggling on his bed watching a movie. Ill never forget that night. He started kissing me and it was nothing out of the ordinary. Then he started to undress me and was forcing himself on me. Now at the age of 14 I was not ready for this and I knew it. I didnt want him to take this away from me, not this, not my innocence. So I decided to fight him. I tried to push him away but he was just too strong for me. He pinned me down.

"Dont fight this Nicole, You are my girlfriend, this is what is suppose to be done. If you loved me, you would sleep with me. Grow up and stop acting like a child." He whispered into my ear. I was a child! I was only 14 years old, how could this be happening. I refused to let it happen. He would understand if he loved me, right? So I tried to fight him some more. At this point he reached over to his night stand and grabbed something that I couldnt make out. What is he doing? He put it up to my throat and told me to stop struggling. As soon as I realized he had a knife to my throat I stopped moving. He started to kiss me everywhere. All I could do was close my eyes and pretend this wasnt happening to me. "Lord please save me!"

Now, I was never allowed to cry, it meant I would get hit another time. This time I could not hold back the tears. He ripped my clothes off and started doing what he wanted from me the most. I closed my eyes and cried. I tried to remember a good time in my life. I tried to get my mind of the pain. I found myself on a lake sitting by the edge of the water. It was a nice warm day and the sun was shining. A dragonfly landed on my knee and just stared at me. I knew that as I watched this dragonfly my innocence was being taken, all that I had left was being robbed from me. Yet that dragonfly seemed to ease the pain a little. After he was done I just layed on his bed shaking. My neck hurt from where he was holding the knife to my throat.. I just wanted to die. I felt that I was now damaged from the inside out, every inch of me was tainted from Seth. I had nothing more to give in life. I couldnt give that one thing to the person I truly loved and who truly loved me without mental images of Seth running through my mind.

To this day the dragonfly is my symbol. Its the one thing that eased my pain when I was the deepest pit in my life. I found that every time I looked at a dragonfly I would get a little smile on my face. Not just a fake smile that I showed everyone else, but a real smile. A smile of gratitude for being the only thing there for me when I was going through hell.

After that one time he wanted it more and more. I found myself being forced to sleep with him two or three times a week. Lord, am I lucky I didnt get pregnant. I finally stopped fighting him and just lay there as he had his way with me. I felt like I was a horrible girlfriend for not wanting to do this with him. I felt dirty and ugly and that I was going to burn in hell for such disobedience of my boyfriend.

I consider this the day I died. After that day if anyone would look into my eyes all they would see was emptiness in my soul. What more was there of me? It was all taken. No longer did I care for life or myself. No longer did I have passions that I once had. I was just an empty shell. I did find that the more I let Seth have sex with me the less he would hit me. I couldnt decide what was better, the pain of his fist or him raping me. Something from deep in my soul was holding on for dear life. It was like the last strand keeping me alive and that last strand was scared that the next thing would be for him to kill me. He was my demon. He clung to my back and followed me everywhere I went and I could never escape him. He was in my soul, in my innermost being. All I wanted was to be free. Now I started to realize that he didnt love me. That I needed to get out of this life or I was going to die. I went to a youth group event the day after my last day of my freshman year. This had been going on for 9 months.

The day I saw a light

I went to this youth group event for some reason. At the time I hated God, he left me in the presence of my demon and never helped me. He left me for dead, and dead I was. It was like most of these youth group things except this time something was different. Remember that guy I got beat up for talking to? Andy came up and was talking to me. He had such a spark of light in his eyes. He was talking about the youth group and my sister, because he knew her quite well. There was something different about him. I was drawn to it.

So I started going back to these Wednesday night rituals. Something about him made me want life without Seth even more. Something made me realize that I needed to break up with Seth and get on with my life. I started going swing dancing at this little dance place and it sparked life into me. I made friends outside of Seth. Friends that knew nothing of Seth. Seth was becoming more easy on me going places without him because he worked 70 hrs a week to pay for college. I started to get those passions back into my life like I use to have. I wanted to play the piano, and sing. I wanted to dance, and love life like I use to. I wanted it all. It was all thanks to Andy. Something in his eyes drew me away from Seth and the life I was dealing with.

That summer I started to change. I stopped the drugs cold turkey and it was so hard. I did it though because I wanted to be free of my demons. I started going to that church regularly. I decided to go back to the public school. I guess Seth was ok with it because he was going to be away at college. My life started to get pieced back together. I started doing something I really loved. I was singing in the youth group band. I loved it! We actually werent bad and I surrounded by love all the time. I couldnt believe that I was making all these new friends. It just amazing me how things were going. Now when Seth was raping me, I thought of how I felt when I was around them. Around people who actually cared about me. I usually would bring back the memories of a very special day.

I guess it really wasnt special, it was a day I had forgot my demons. I had fun and smiled, and laughed and most importantly felt loved and wanted. We were at the youth group leaders house and we were all outside having a good time. All of a sudden Andy decided to get a glass of water and poor it over my head. Now he started this huge water fight with, girls against guys and all of us were running around laughing and having a blast. We got extremely wet and had to go home and change. I just borrowed clothes from one of the girls there. It was the best time I could remember me ever having. Nobody there knew about my demons. Nobody knew what I had to face every day. Now I just had to figure out how to break up with Seth.

The Break-Up

There are some days in my life that I dont think I will ever forget and I think this is one of them. I finally got the guts to break up with Seth, now I just needed to figure out how I was going to do this. I decided that I was going to do this at a place where there were lots of people and most importantly, his family. I knew he wouldnt hurt me if his family was there. There was so much fear inside of me that I was throwing up before I was going over to his house for his family reunion. I get so nervous sometimes that I end up making myself sick. This was definantly one of those days. I went over to his house and right away went and talked to his mother. She wanted me to break up with him because she knew that me being with him was tearing my world apart. She really is a sweet lady. She didnt know the extent of her sons behavior though. I had a feeling she didnt want to know.

She and I stood there as I told Seth that I think we should break up. My voice was shaky and I knew the anger was building inside of him. His precious mom being there is the only way he didnt kill me. I told him that with him going to college he can get a better girlfriend; one who doesnt screw things up all the time. He seemed to buy all I was giving him. Either that or he was putting on an act for his Mother. Then His mother gave me a ride home. As I was leaving, deep inside of me I was hoping that Seth would go kill himself. He deserved to die for all the pain he caused me and for the life of Mar. He deserved a slow and painful death. Now my hatred was aimed at him. I didnt hear from him for quite awhile. The next time I heard from him was at a talent show my school was putting on my sophmore year. My band was playing in it and man were times good. We had a crowd of people in front of us rocking it with us. Afterwards Drew and Matt came up to me and gave me big hugs.

Now at the time I had no idea that Seth had been watching the whole thing. As I was walking outside to cool down he pulled me aside. We got in a big argument.

"I see why you left me now. You like those guys, which one are you screwing." He yelled at me. I dont remember who walked up to me but I remember someone there saw him gripping my arm and came and saved me. I believe it was Andy. Once again he saved me. I didnt want drama in my life anymore. I had enough of it to last a life time. I just wanted to live life, happy, and at ease. Free from the pain that Seth had brought to me. I thought that with me not seeing him anymore that the pain was gone. Man was I wrong. Now I was stuck, a scared little girl still hurting with pain inside but because of this high that she had, she was shoving that pain back down inside like it use to be. When Jason died. I shoved it down and was not sharing it with anybody. Nobody knew the torture I was going threw everyday I woke up. I lived in fear still. I was afraid of every man. That they all were that way. I was still left with the hate of myself. I hated myself for letting Seth do all those things to me. I hated myself for letting him control me and letting him still control me. Even though I thought I was free of those demons, they werent really gone. They were just hidden deep inside of my soul.

Andys light

As I walked the school hallways I found it so hard to cope with everyday. So many thing were pounded into my by Seth that I couldnt shake them. They were imprinted onto my soul. I couldnt cry, I couldnt look at people in the eyes, I had to keep to myself, I was ugly, fat, stupid, and never good enough for anybody. If there was one person who really seemed to see that I needed help it was Andy Reister. To this day I dont know how he knew or if he even knew. But as we started to become friends he would do little things to help me everyday. The main thing was every single morning before school started he was sitting next to me by my locker and we would just chat. He would always come to school early so that he could be there. I dont think he ever realized how much that meant to me. He would just smile at me and make me feel that he was there for me. He was truly a good friend to me. Sophmore year went along and before I knew it the Christmas dance was in a week. I wasnt going with anybody and that was fine with me. This was my first high school dance to go to and I was happy to share it with my friends.

That weekend we had band practice on Saturday like usual. This practice was different though, Andy was singing with us. He wanted to sing with the band so badly but never asked because the thought of asking made him nervous I think. He practiced with us and I remember how great he could sing. He was so nervous. His cheeks were flaming red and he just looked at me with wide eyes as he started to sing with us. I could tell it made him so happy.

Nothing was all the special about the next two days. Monday there was a band that came and played at the school and then played at the church. It was a big deal if I remember right. The band was really good too. Well all I remember of that night was the moment that I took a picture of Andy standing off by himself. It was a good shot of Andy. One that I will never forget.

The next day Andy sat next to me before school like usual. Right before the bell was going to ring he pulls something out of his bag and gave it to me. He told me he made it for me that weekend. It was ok if I didnt like it. He then just smiled at me and walked away. He had made a wooden cross for me from a block of wood. I thought it was so sweet of him. He had made it into a necklace. I thought it was pretty cool, but I never knew how much meaning it would have for me.

The next day seemed to kick off like normal. It was December 1^st, 1999 and the christmas dance was only 3 days away. Andy was so excited because he couldnt wait to spend the time with his girlfriend. This day though, he wasnt feeling to good. I remember him telling me that as we sat next to each other in front of my locker. I told him he should go home and get some rest. He refused, he was just to excited to see his girlfriend. I thought it was the cutest thing. I didnt think much about it. It seemed like such a normal day to me. I had just gotten to 4^th hour when my friend Annie walked in the room.

"Did you hear what happened" She said with wide eyes.

"Nope, what?" I said thinking about some latest gossip was about to be spread some more.

"Andy collapsed in the hallways! He just fell down, nobody knows what was going on.!" She had so much worry in her voice that it got me really nervous. We just sat there waiting for class to start. Someone said it was just a collapsed lung and the he was going to be ok. I can still remember hearing the sirens. To this day I hate the sounds of sirens. Then my teacher came rushing in the classroom, he told us the he had to go now, he had to be with Andy. He wasnt going to be there for class. By this time I was flipping out and so was Annie. We decided to go get some of our friends out of class and pray. We went to the choir room and got some of our closest friends out of class. As we stood there everyones head were bowed praying for Andys safety. As I look up I saw Andy pass on a stretcher, his face look blue and there was stuff everywhere. I lost it. He didnt look right and I knew it. They rushed out of there and speed away in the ambulance. The group of us stayed together and were worried the whole day. We were in the choir room when a teacher came to get us. She asked us to go to the library. They had an update on Andy and will tell us when we are all together at the library. As we were walking down the hallway every step was in slow motion. My youth group leader walked in threw some doors and the look on her face wasnt good. I held back the tears. We all knew what had happened but no one wanted to believe it. I kept walking as I heard one of my friends break down in her arms when she whispered something in her ear. As I got to the Library. Just my group of friends. Mr. Mahan sat us down and read us the announcement that was just about to be read over the PA system. They wanted us to know before the rest of the school. I really never forget the words come so slowly out of his mouth.

"I regret to inform you that today a fellow student of yours, Andy Reister, has passed away." After that, I heard no words. The one person who seemed to save my life more than once was dead. Is this some sick joke God? How could this be? Life was just started to get good again Lord and you take him away. Hes only 15. I had so many questions and I hated God so much. How could this happen. Now after my initial breakdown. I told myself I had to be strong, I had to be there for everyone else. As the announcement was read over the PA I couldnt believe I had to listen to those words again. I just sat there still with my friend Nick sobbing on my shoulder. Tears were rolling down my face but not emotion was shown. I wanted to be strong for them. I had to be strong for them. The students started to roll into the library, all crying, weeping, reaching out for friends to hold as the weep the loss of such a light of God.

Dealing With the Loss

Andy died in the hallways of my high school. His heart stopped instantly and he fell over, dying before he hit the ground. Some say that was a gift from God, that he didnt suffer any pain. No one will actually know what happened, its a mystery. My hate stage started. I hated the school and all the staff. No one would help Andy as he laid there on the floor. No one was allowed to touch him. Only until Mr. Heeres; a 60 some year old teacher; came to Andys side, did someone help him. Mr. Heeres pushed everyone aside and tried desperately to save his life.

I couldnt help but question so many things of my life. I truly hated God, even the thought of God made me sick to my stomach. How does a 15-year-olds heart just stop one day in the middle of school? How could such a light of God and loving soul be taken so quickly? You would think God would want him here. I know he saved my life, imagine all he could do. The students really came together that year. We all wrote on the school walls where Andy had died. Those walls were filled with words of pain and of all the agony that these teenagers were going through because of the loss of such a loved peer. People usually say the same thing when someone young has died.

"He was so loved, I just dont understand why it was his time to go."

It was different with Andy though, because everyone did love him. He had no enemies. Everyone saw that light in his eyes that I saw only a couple months before. He had a brother that was a year older than him. Never before did I see the resemblance until now. Now every time I saw Jeremy walking away from me in the hallways, I always thought I was looking at Andy. I thought I had just woken up from a really horrible nightmare and none of this had actually happened. The days following that horrible Wednesday are truly a blur. I remember being around a lot of friends and not being able to look my parents in the eyes. I knew I would break down if I saw the sympathy in their faces. Classmates came together as we all shared stories of the good times. I couldnt share with anyone what he had done for me. I wanted them to have their memories and not have to question even more why Andy had to die. If I was the only one stricken with my knowledge of him saving my life, than I would just have to deal with it.

I didnt deal with it though. I hid it. I wasnt going to go to the Christmas dance anymore. The morning of, was Andys funeral, and my band, the band the Andy so badly wanted to be apart of, played at the ceremony. I couldnt sing, I just tried my hardest and sang as quiet as I could. Here I was looking into every bodys face as they grieved for the loss of this young special soul. Not only that, but I was faced with the who was sitting in the front row of my church that morning. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Reister holding each other as they wept. I could handle that I guess. But when I saw Jeremy he seemed so alone. He was on the end of the row, on the aisle side. He was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and he hid his face with his hands when we played Andys favorite song, Underdog by Audio Adrenaline. My heart broke for him. He lost his brother, he spent most of his life with Andy there and now he was just gone. Needless to say, I cried a lot that morning. I couldnt hold back. As I start to think back on those moments though, I was crying for everyone elses pain. I cried when I saw the lost look on my friends faces.

I cried when Matt ran up to me. I will never forget his face. The tears in his eyes. I knew that he to was trying to be strong, but he wanted to be strong for me. Matts hug wasnt just a hug, he held onto me for dear life. All I could do was cry, for the first time I felt safe to not be strong. For an instant, I could let go of my front, my mask, and I could just let go. I knew I became weak and I knew that Matt had to hold me up because my knees had already given out. He sat me down and I just sat there and watched everyone around me. People told me I needed to eat. How can I eat right now, I dont want to eat. Im still sick to my stomach of the thought of all that has happened. So I just sat and watched. I dont remember how much sleep I got the days before then. I was afraid I would see Andy in my dreams and I knew I couldnt handle that, not yet. I finally went home. I just sat there and cried. My friend called me up and they forced me to go to the dance. I looked like crap, I felt like crap and the last thing I wanted to do was get all gussied up and go pretend like everything was fine. Eva came over and helped me with make-up and my hair. I got dressed up and we went.

Today Im really glad I went. I think that if I would have stayed alone any longer I wouldnt be here today to talk about all of this. I actually had an ok time. It really helped me to get my mind off of all the sadness. Drew did all he could to cheer me up and Annie was there to laugh with me. She had been more helpful than I think she will ever know. There is a picture of me and her in that years yearbook. It was that night, the Christmas dance, looking at it you wouldnt be able to tell very well the events of the past week. We both smiled and looked to be having a good time. If you look at our eyes, they show the pain. Like I said before, someones eyes can lead you to their soul.

I missed a lot of school. I just couldnt concentrate. I remember getting called into the counselors office the week after Andy passed. They were worried about me and I guess one of my friends shared the same concerns.

"Nicole, I know you were close to Andy, and I know this is a hard time for you. We are very worried about you, a friend of yours told us that you havent been eating properly and from the looks of it, you seem to not be sleeping very well either. We think these are signs of depression. I would really like to help you, would you like to talk about Andys death?"

Who did they think they were? Of course I dont want to talk to you about Andys death. Im showing signs of depression, if only you knew what Ive been through, what Ive seen, whats been done to me. Of course I cant sleep, the fear of Andy is there and the fear of Seth coming after me now that the one who saved me was dead. Yes I said it, Andy is dead. It was almost to soon for me to tell myself this. To actually use the words dead. I just stared forward and didnt say anything. I didnt want to talk to them, they knew nothing about me. Thats how I wanted it to stay. That is what I told myself at least. That I didnt want them to know. When deep down inside of me, I was just screaming for someone to know about what happened to me the year that I was at a different school. I wanted someone to know how much Andy meant to me, so they understood the pain I was going through. I was screaming inside and no one could hear me. As I sat there listening to them tell me that I can talk to them anything, a demon crept back into my mind. For the first time since I quit cold turkey, all I wanted were some pain killers. Lots of them. That is what I wanted to do, kill the pain. Make it go away and just drift off into a blank-less, emotionless stare. Thats what I wanted and that is what I did. The school excused me to leave early, I think they were being very easy going with attendance the following weeks after Andys death. I went home and found an old bottle of my magic pills and drifted off into an emotionless abyss that I longed for so badly.

The next day when I woke up I realized that I was no better, that although my magic pills worked for the day before, I now found myself with worse pain than before. It was the last time I used those magic pills. I realized that they never helped me. Now I was feeling an extreme guilt for breaking my promise to myself. Great the last thing I need is guilt on top of all this pain. Friends always showered me with love and understanding. I dont think they really knew what was going on inside of me. I remember my parents telling me how well I was dealing with all of this. I never cease to amazing myself at how well I hide who I really am. Who am I? I am a scared little girl who is broken, and shattered. Mostly, I was all alone. I was empty inside again and I really didnt care about life. I was surrounded by friends, who I loved dearly though. I think that they are the reason I stayed alive. I would tell myself, how could I put them through more pain. I dont want to cause anyone pain, I dont want them to know about the hurt that Im feeling. I want them to be able to grieve and not worry about me. So I didnt deal with the fact that Andy died. I just pushed it down, down into that place where all my other hurt was. I now understand what the inner torture Jason was going through before he killed himself.

Time Passes

As time passes on I start to live life again. Do my normal routine of school and hanging out with friends. February 1, 2000 was the first time I decided to go visit Andys grave. I was with Peter McCarthy, a guy I wasnt really friends with. I remember Nick and Dave were there also. I was strong for them, which now seems silly to me. They didnt need me to be strong for them. They were trying to be strong for me. While I was there Nick was telling me how Jason was burried two rows away from Andy. Are you serious? I thought. I hadnt been to Jasons grave. It was to hard for me at the time. Then I could never stomach going alone for my first visit to his grave. So they showed me where his stone was. It was late at night, and there was snow covering all the stones. Andy didnt have a stone yet either. But that night I was filled with a strange kind of peace. I had been upset lately because I was started to forget what their voices sounded like and what their eyes looked like. I couldnt believe that I was forgetting already. Its like I finally let both of them go. I still missed them, of course. But I could let them go.

The next day I decided to go pick up some film that had been waiting for me at the store for months. I didnt even think to look at the pictures till I got home. My mom looked through them first and I will never forget the look on her face as she saw the first picture on the roll.

"What is it mom?" I asked curious for what this strange reaction was all about.

"When was this taken Nicole? Have you seen these yet?" She asked very quietly. She showed me the picture that caused her heart to skip a beat. It was the picture of Andy that I took two days before he died. I grabbed the picture and stared at in. I couldnt believe I forgot about that picture. It showed his facial features so wonderfully. I broke down and started crying right away. This was my first sign of emotion that I ever showed to my mother since Andy died. I cherish that picture and made copies of it for everybody. It was the last picture ever taken of Andy. I gave one to his parents and to his girlfriend. No one could believe that I got a snapshot of him only two days before he was gone.

Time went on, and to be honest I dont remember the day this happened. Mr. Rohen, a teacher and the varsity basketball coach died suddenly of a brain anerism. Could this be for real. We just dealt with a death. Most teenagers dont ever see a death of someone in high school. Why do we have to deal with it so many times, are we cursed? His death did nothing to me, and I feel like a horrible person for that. I was totally numb. I had become numb to the loss of anyones life. Now was a time that I could be strong for a person who helped me out when Andy died. Matthew Raab. Mr. Rohen was his coach and mentor and I knew he was having a hard time with this. Matt was in the band with me and he was close to Andy, now his mentor and coach passes away suddenly too. A teacher came to me and asked for help with him. He knew I was good friends with Matt and asked if I could help. So I returned that appreciated favor that Matt gave to me. I walked over to him at the funeral and I threw my arms around him. He broke down. Someone told me he hadnt broke down yet and I felt special that my arms helped with that.

I was starting to wonder if I should get close to anybody. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone, from the world. Maybe then people I know wont die, because I wont know anybody. Then I wont have to have more pain in my life. I started to shut myself off slowly from people. The only person I was really close to was Dave. That soon drifted away from me also. I just didnt want to loose another loved one. That fear gripped my life. I lost all of me, I dont want to loose anymore important people in my life. I also ended up quiting the band. I did all I could to be safe from more hurt. I was determined to live out the rest of my life alone.

Music

Now there are times in life when you come across lyrics to songs that explain what you are feeling so well. I find it really hard a lot of times to put into words to what I feel or felt at that certain moment of time. So Im going to share lyrics through out this to help describe what was going on inside of me. Music is my life and it helps me express myself.

My Immortal

by Evanescence

Im so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Because you presence still lingers here(seth)

At it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal

This pain is just to real

Theres just to much that time cannot erase

(Skip chorus)

You use to captivate me

By your resonating mind

But now Im bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dream

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal

This pain is just to real

Theres just to much that time cannot erase

Ive tried so hard tell myself that youre gone

And though your still with me

Ive been alone all along

Now these words describe how I felt. The pain was just to real and it just wouldnt go away. I was haunted by Seth and I didnt know how to handle life anymore. I refused to submit to my demons again and go back to drugs. I wanted it over with not pushed down even farther. My friends had no idea. Well, some of them suspected I wasnt truly happy but no one realized what was going on inside of me. I was scared to tell anybody. I was afraid they would reject me and see me as someone who was damage. Who wants to be friends with someone who is damaged? Dont get me wrong because I loved my friends dearly. I was so happy to have them in my life. I just wasnt honest with them and hid me from them. My fear controled my life and in a way Seth was still in control of me. Making my decisions for me and ruling over me. I couldnt let what happened to me go. Every time I closed my eyes I had an image of Seths eyes. I felt the pain he caused me and it was a burden on my back that I could not just shake away. To everyone in the high school. I was the happy girl that I wanted to be. I smiled and laughed and I always was joking around. Life was good for me and even people I let close to me thought I was that girl. If only they knew what was really going on inside of me.

It wasnt their fault at all. I was good at having my mask on all the time. This happy girl was the only girl they saw. It was the girl I wanted to be, I longed to be. Now I realize that if only if would have shared this with someone, it would take some of that burden away. It would take a load off my back and I would be able to cry into some ones arms without them judging me. With them just being there for me.

Life Changing Moment

It was the summer between my sophmore and my junior year in high school. I was still attending the same youth group as I had been. I decided to go to this big youth conference that all my friends were going to. It was called CHIC2K and it was in Tennessee. During that week a lot of things happened to me. Life changing things. I really needed this trip in my life. I was so angry at God and I was angry with my life. I just needed help but refused to ask for any. I was at the end of my rope, back there was that one thread holding on me with all its might. The speakers that week were so great. I found my self one afternoon longing to be able to forgive God. I realized that this was what I had to do to move on in my life.

There was just so much I had to forgive. I had to forgive him for letting Jason suffer so badly that he took his life. I had to forgive him for every single time Seth hurt me, for every single time he raped me, for every single time he told me I was nothing, that I was dirt. I had to forgive him for letting me slipped in such dispare that I wanted to kill myself. I had to forgive him for letting Mar die. For letting him suffer so badly because of me. I had to forgive him for every bruise, every broken bone, every tear I had to shed and every tear I couldnt shed. I had to forgive God for taking away the one person that shined a little light into my dark world and saved me. I had to forgive him for letting those demons cling to me every waking moment. The list really does just go on and on. I had so much that I had to forgive God for letting happen in my life. The question was, could I?

Now here a few clips from this song that really describe what I was long for. They are from the song Bring Me to Life again by Evanescence.

How can you see into my eyes like open door

leading you down into my core

Where Ive become so numb without a soul

My spirit sleeping somewhere cold

Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run before I come undone

SAVE ME FROM THE NOTHING IVE BECOME

Now that I know what Im without

You cant just leave me

Breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life

Frozen in time without your touch without your love

Darling only you are the life among the dead

All this time I cant believe I couldnt see

Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

Ive been sleeping a thousand years it seems

God to open my eyes to everything

Bring me to life.

No to explain why this relates to how I was feeling. I felt so dead inside and I wanted to be alive again. I wanted to come back to the land of the living and not be so numb anymore. I realized that I felt like Seth took my soul and took all that was me with him. If I wasnt able to be brought back from the darkness this week in Tennessee then it would never happen again. The phrase "Open my eyes to everything" was something that happened that week.

My Eyes were Open

Now there was this really special night at CHIC2K. I was sitting there and the speaker was talking about forgiveness and it was very moving to me. All of a sudden at the end I was sittting there and I realized I needed to forgive God. I needed to just say it and my actions would follow it. So I forgave him. My goodness, so my eyes were opened not even an instant from when I said that prayer to God. A burden was lifted off of me. I just broke down, I couldnt remember the last time I felt like I could breathe again.

I realized so many things that were screwed up in my head. I realized that it wasnt my fault that this happened to me. I realized that I wasnt stupid and that it really wasnt my fault the 2 people in my life killed themselves. I realized that Andy wasnt meant for this world anymore and no matter how badly I wanted him here he was in a better place. So many emotions fell on me as I sat there in this stadium filled with 7,000 peers. I realized that I wasnt alone all along. I looked on either side of me and I was surrounded by people holding me. I didnt even notice that they were doing this till I looked up. They didnt know why I was crying, they were just there for me. It really was a revelation. I was loved and I wasnt alone. I was surrounded by people who cared and I had been pushing them away.

I realized that I could tell them without them rejecting me. I realized that God was there for me in those extremely hard moments of my life. When I was sitting there with a gun next to my head, he came and saved me. He was the thread that was hold onto me for dear life. He helped get passed the demons and he helped me get through physical pain that Seth caused. For the first time in so long I truly cried for those pains in my life. There was no way to stop the tears. After crying so much in the past you would think that one would run out of tears. These were different tears. With every tear that streamed down my face is symboled for something I was forgiving God for. Every time I think of that moment I cry those tears again. Im finding it hard to write about this now, years later, because I still feel what I was feeling at that moment. The realization that I wasnt alone was huge. I found myself surrounded by at least 40 people all praying for me and all there for me to wipe my tears away. Yet not one person knew why. They didnt need to know. They were just there for me.

I let the hate in my life go that week. I stopped hating myself for what happened to me. I stopped hated God for what happened to me. I realized for the first time in 3 years that I was a unique and wonderful individual. Me, wonderful? I realized that God had given me so many gifts in my life. I realized he had gifted me with an amazing heart to love people. I realized that my heart was damaged almost beyond recognition and yet I still had room to love other people. I was still there for everyone else. Now I realized that they were there for me to.

My new life Starts

I found how I was feeling amazing. I was cured, I was hurting inside, but there was something different in my life. There was light. I joined choir that next school year. I realized how much I really loved to sing and so I was apart of choir. My junior year was a pretty normal high school year I would say. It had its ups and downs but for the most part nothing totally interesting happened. Well until the end of the year that is. A girl that I knew from swing dancing passed away. She was killed in a car accident on her way to school. I remember Eva coming into my class and asking Mr. Love if she could talk to me, it was important. The look on her face told me someone died and now I had to figure out who was taken from my life this time. So many scenarios ran through my head before I reached the hallway. Who was it now? When she told me I was in utter shock. The last person I would think of was her. She was so sweet and nice to me. Why her? The bell rang seconds after she told me. The halls flooded with people and I stood there holding my breath panicking inside. What am I going to do? People were looking at me funny wondering whats wrong with this girl? Eva led me to an empty classroom filled with friends who knew her. She didnt attend our school so there were only fellow swing dancing people with me.

I thought that this wasnt going to happen again. People told me that Andy was just not meant to be here. So was Megan not suppose to be here. Why am I suppose to be here. Who the hell picks and chooses, why did they die and why didnt I? I also realized that there were so many people there for me. We were there for each other. It made it so much easier. I grieved and moved on with my life. It was what I had to do. My life did look up. I was started to feel happy again. Passions of mine were consuming my life and I knew that life was getting better. I was surrounded by loving friends and I didnt think of Seth every day anymore. I still didnt trust guys, I still had a hard time looking people in the eyes, in fear of what I would see. I still had nightmares at night of Seth hurting me, following me, chasing me. But I would wake up and realize that it was just a dream and it would be over with. During the day I wouldnt think of him at all sometimes. It was so great. I was ride of my drug cravings, except I was smoking. Near the end of that year I also started becoming friends with a guy named Peter McCarthy. We were told that both of us would be partners our senior year for a program called Peer Assistance. Him and I started to get really close. We were really good friends very quickly. He had such a good heart and its so rare for me to find a guy friend with a pure and good heart. His friendship meant a lot to me.

I went to Mexico for 2 weeks in June of that year. It was an amazing experience for me. I stayed at an orphanage and saw how these wonderful people had to live. It broke my heart. It also made me realize that my life wasnt so horrible after all. It really made me appreciate my family and friends. My life, my food, my silly little things that I owned. This mission trip really form my heart a little bit.

My Demons creep back

I find out in August of 2001 that I needed to have foot surgery. I couldnt bend my big toe at all and they found out that my joint was totally worn flat. They had no idea how this happened but I need to have surgery if I wanted to walk with out pain every time I tried to bend my big toe. Now trying to walk without bending your big toe is quite difficult. Ild look real silly at the same time. Now Im going to get a little graphic here. What they had to do was cut my first metatarsal and take out a section of the bone, put it back together with screws and then rebuild my toe joint. Sound quite gross and quite painful. I was so nervous. What made everything worse was when I read the directions for what to do before I came into the hospital and it told me put a big X on the foot I was to have surgery on. That was just wonderful! Anyway, I went and had the surgery. I never thought about the after the surgery thing through. I was sitting there waking up and instantly I knew that they had given me pain killers. What was I thinking? I never even thought about that. I couldnt tell my parents that I use to be addicted to pain killers and I sure as hell didnt want to get back into the addiction. I made it home fine. That night I decided that I wasnt going to take them. I was fine I thought, I didnt feel much pain anyway. The next morning Peter came to pick me up for the sign in deal at the school. The Vice principal was quite mean when he told my dad that I personally had to come in even if I had just had surgery. Jerk! I woke up and I had my mom help me get dressed. Quite embarrassing. As I sat there and waiting for Peter to pull into my driveway I felt like a brick wall hit me. Or ran over my foot I should say. I instantly got the full force of pain in my foot. I kept reminding myself I just had to deal with it, Ive had pain worse than this in the past. Then I instantly had a craving, a need for magic pills. I hadnt had that craving in years. I didnt like it. It made me nervous and anxious. Peter pulled in the driveway and helped me in the car. He knew instantly what my problem was. He was so helpful to me that day. He helped me get around and he only told me once how horrible I looked. Luckily because I was a senior I didnt have to get pictures that day! That day I fought the cravings and I fought the pain. I was miserable but I had to be strong enough. Then I realized that my foot was bleeding, bleeding through all the wrapping. This wasnt good. So not only was I in pain but now I had to go to the doctor and let him poke around with the stitches. My friend Annie took me. I was so thankful for her. She sat in the office with me the whole time. I dont think she knew about the pain or the need for magic pills but I knew she knew that it looked gross. She said she didnt mind though.

My friends were there for me. When life was going downhill quickly they showered me with love, with flowers, with silly cards and the cutest teddy bar in the world from Annie and Jeremy. How lucky was I to have such amazing friends. Life was great. They were there for me, to help me with my demons, even if they didnt know quite what the demon was. I realized how I needed to have people to share the burden with. Friends to share the struggle with, share the load. Its what truly kept me alive. I needed them whether I wanted to admit it or not. My friends saved my life.

Senior Year

Senior year wasnt the best of years. Well it was an eventful and exciting year. Ill start on Homecoming football game night. Now, this year was especially exciting for me because I was a senior and because Peter was crowned Homecoming King. I was so proud of my partner in crime. (That is what I called him because we were leaders of a group the did drug awareness programs and helped abused children) Life really was going pretty good that night. Then I saw him. Well I thought I saw him. It really freaked me out because it looked like Seth was walking away from me. I didnt dare run after him because I wanted nothing to do with him. I hoped it wasnt him and that I was just losing my mind. Not that losing my mind would help. I just wanted Seth to stay out of my life. I was quite upset but I didnt want to tell anyone why. Peter could tell something was wrong and I wanted to tell him, really I did but it was his night to shine, not try to kick butt. So I drove off. I dropped off one of my friends before heading off into the boonies where I lived.

As I was driving the fear started to creep back into my life. Memories that I tried so hard to forget were flooding into my mind and the feeling of Seth creeped into my soul. It was late at night and I was crying. I guess I wasnt paying to attention to the rode at the time, mainly just looking for deer and I feared that Seth would all of a sudden pull in behind me. Next thing I know I see headlights. Wait I saw headlights in my lane! Next thing I know Im spinning and then I wake up with the sight of a man walking down a drive way and a car passing behind me.

Oh my God, I didnt just get into a car accident. Not my new car. Oh, I cant breathe! My face hurts, whats going on? What happened? Not my new car! Why is he walking away, why didnt he ask if I was ok. Oh my God my car is in the middle of the road, blocking both lanes and my lights are out. I need to get out of my car! As soon as I tried to move, pain rushed everyone. My chest was killing me and my foot hurt quite badly too. I had surgery on it only a 2 months earlier. My head was throbbing and I was so confused. Then I looked at my car. My heart stopped. I realized what had just happened. I was just in a head on collision going 60 miles an hour and Im standing here, alive..or was I dead? There was absolutely no front end on my car and I didnt seem to be hurt at all. I still couldnt breathe though. I started to panic. The ambulance had gotten there because some people heard the crash while watching TV. They came out to help me. I still had no idea where the guy was who hit me. I still couldnt breathe and I was trying to talk to my mom but couldnt. When I was being strapped onto the board for the ambulance ride I recognize the fireman. I went to high school with him. He kept telling me, "its going to be ok Nicole, hang in there. Your strong you can hang in there for me." The rest of that night was a blur. I remember tons of cars passing when I was being put in the ambulance and I remember the sirens, I hate sirens. I was fine. I had a few bruised ribs and a fractured rib. Nothing I hadnt had before. My face was pretty banged up also. None these injuries really hurt me that badly, I was use to those aches and pains.

The next day Peter whipped into my driveway. He ran up to the door and was pounding on it loudly. I was home alone. My mom left that morning for a conference she HAD to attend and my dad was at the cottage. I opened the door and he looked so panicked.

"Youre Alive!" He said with such amazement.

"Yah, Hi" I said in a silly voice. I guess since my accident was on a pretty busy road and it was prime time for the whole town to be heading home after the game, everyone passed my car accident. He grabbed me and shed only one tear.

"I thought you were taken from me" he whispered. It was such a touching moment. He cried again when he went over and looked at my car. Then laughed, I banged up my new car pretty darn well. He took me to the spot where it happened. There were still pieces of my car everywhere. The whole day I was surrounded by friends. I felt truly loved. For a moment, I thought that it was my time to die. I couldnt figure out if I was happy or sad that I was going to die. For so long I wanted to die. I hated my life. Now, I actually was quite upset at the thought of my life, ending. I realized how I was taking those people close to me for granted and how much I was truly loved. Everyone at school thought I died and when I showed up to school a couple days later, I was showered with love. People who didnt talk to me were saying how they realized how much they might have missed out if I died and they didnt know me. It was a powerful day, I tell you. I moved on with in my senior year. I had no classes what so ever. I took choir and self discovery. Then more choir. I was apart of Chamber choir, womens choir, concert choir, I was choir assistant, and the choir teacher was my advisory teacher. I sure had Mrs. Moore a lot! I love it though, I could surround my life with music.

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Satan Returns

The winter of my senior year was the scariest time of my life. Yes, Seth returned for me. But this time he was not going to let me go and he wanted all my friends to go down with me. He started stalking me, I would find notes on my car from him. Some friends told me that some guy fitting his description was looking for me, asking my class schedule. He was haunting me. Following me and scary the shit out of me. One night he crawled into my window and I woke up with him hovering over me. He just held his finger to his lips symboling me to be quiet. I was scared out of my mind. I thought this was it. I was going to die. My parents were going to find my dead lifeless body in my bed in the morning. He climbed on me and started running his hand through my hair. He gently pet my face as I started to cry. I was shaking I was so scared. I started to do my trick. I closed my eyes and prayed. I imagined that lake, the sun, the peaceful little dragonfly taking my pain away from me.

He raped me again that night. This time he was more brutal then he ever was before. I had bruises covering almost every inch of my stomach, legs arms, neck He raped me over and over that night. He made slight cuts on me with a knife. The bleed a little bit but not badly, but they hurt so bad. This was worse than any other time, maybe because I now thought I will never escape Seth. He will always be there. I will be living in fear the rest of my life.

After that night it stopped. He left me alone and my friends alone. He just disappeared of the face of the planet it seemed. He had gotten what he wanted. Now, I will always be in fear of when he wanted me the next time. Would he keep coming back for me the next time he wanted to satisfy these urges of his? Would I forever be there for him to come find me? I felt empty again inside. I would have never thought that one night can bring me back to the world I hated. I felt like I was being sucked into a blackhole. Nothing I could do would save me. I was destine to fail again.

I went back to school a couple days later and acted like nothing happened. I went back to hiding behind the mask I knew so well. I shut everyone out of my life again and I missed them so much. I missed having a shoulder to cry on, and someone to just be there for me. I realized how much I took every person in my life for granted, and how much they meant to me. I wanted no one to know because I was so embarrassed that I wasnt strong enough to tell him no. I wasnt strong enough to go to the police. I feared him in every waking moment and I didnt want to make him mad. He, once again, consumed my life like a plague.

Graduation day is suppose to be a happy day. I was suppose to be filled with excited to be over with high school and sadness to be leaving my friends. I had neither. High school in a way was protecting me from going into the real world, having to face all these things that had happened to me. Friends, well I really had no friends. I did but I pushed everybody away so well that I really wasnt surrounded by loving friends. Everyone was nice to me of course. Giving me hugs and showering me with love. I was just so numb that I didnt feel anything. I sat there at commencement not hearing a word that was said. Instead I sat there scanning the crowd hoping that I wouldnt see Seth. My graduation was surrounded by my own thoughts of Seth. Even though I was surrounded by friends and family I never felt a thing.

I now know that this is because I had pushed people away so many time in my life. I couldnt celebrate or rejoice, I couldnt even be happy for one instant. I just wanted to escape the depression. I wanted to get as far away from it that I could. Two day after graduation, my class was hit with horrible news. Keith, a really popular guy of our class, had passed away. Again, there was death in our community and death in our class. I knew my peers were having a horrible time with his death. I again was strong for everyone that needed me. I felt nothing for his death. I hated myself for that. I was numb to any pain that came my way. I hated this feeling of not feeling anything. When was it my turn to die?

The weeks passed after graduation and I stopped into a few open houses but I pretty much kept to myself. I didnt really talk to friends from high school and I made sure I was alone all the time. I kept sinking farther and farther into this pit of my own despair. I no longer thought of those passions that once consumed my life. I no longer smiled or loved life. I was just existing. My neighbor Jody knew I wasnt doing so hot. He always seem to know when I was at my worst but never said anything to me. This time he invited me to a party at some property of theirs. I thought, why not? I can go surround myself with people having fun and maybe I can smile a little bit. I really did long for a good time.

I went to this party and at first it was really boring. I guess it was just a typical party to me and I really wanted to go home. Once the alcohol got there, I started to have a much better time. I had never used alcohol to chase away the pain inside of me. But this night, it seemed to be the perfect solution. So I drank myself to oblivion. I drank till I couldnt hold a bottle any longer. The next day I woke up not remember a thing. This really appealed to me. Never before had I drank so much that I couldnt remember a thing. This started my love for alcohol.

The year following Graduation

Now drinking is a pretty big part of most teenagers life. They go drinking and partying for the weekend and during the week they go back to normal life. For me, things were a little different. I found myself sneaking out of the house and not coming home some nights. I just didnt want to be around my parents anymore. We fought all the time, they just couldnt and didnt understand what was going on with me. I hid my life from them. They didnt know who there own daughter was. I ended up moving out on very bad terms.

I was in a huge fight with my mom and I just walked out of the house. I moved in with a new friend of mine named Darrick. Stopczynski. The 6 months that I lived with him, life was truly a blur for me. There are days that I cant remember and moments that I wish I would. Darrick was 21 and on the verge of being an alcoholic when I moved in. I found myself drinking every single day. When I would get out of work, I came home and started drinking till I would pass out. I had a lot of good times with Darrick, I have a lot of times that I cant remember also. I didnt care though. I was numb anyways, I couldnt feel a thing. I found that sleeping in Darricks room with him made me feel safe and helped me sleep. So I usually would pass out in his room with him. I did some really stupid things when I lived there. A lot of things that I now regret. My life was going downhill very quickly. It got to a point where I couldnt remember what day it was or what happened the night before and I liked the thought of pushing away that pain. I had no friends other than Darrick.

I was so horrible to my family during those times of my life. I pushed them away and kept them as far away as I could. I was quite alright with it also. At the time I thought my family hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I was the child that got away, that they were ashamed of and didnt want to talk to or about. Then I lost my job because of this horrible habit that I had started. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I realized that what I was doing with my life was really stupid. That the one thing I need was good friends and I needed to get away from the alcohol.